The Death of Ggio Vega and Other Tragic Tales
by Cinis
Summary: If Sui weren't so oblivious, maybe Yoruichi could break her destructive habit of offing the competition. Parody/Crackfic, Yoru/Sui
1. The Begining of the End

Full Summary: For some reason fate (the author) keeps sending boys Sui's way, and for some other reason, sparks keep flying between them. But have you ever seen a cat carrying a fire extinguisher? I haven't, but I'm sure I could find it on YouTube. Yoruichi is on a mission to be Sui's one and only, but for a hyper paranoid super ninja, Sui is really bad at picking up on not so subtle hints from her Yoruichi-sama, forcing everyone's favorite talking cat to get creative.

This is a crackfic, a parody of a genre of fics, and a joke. It is also a series of pairing executions. And possibly character deaths. It is not targeted at any character, pairing, fic, genre, person, entity, eldritch abomination, or mega-corporation. So yeah. You've been warned. Please don't set Cthulhu on me.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

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><p>"Omaeda!"<p>

Rice cracker halfway to his mouth, Omaeda froze like a deer in headlights. Like a fat deer in headlights. Like a fat deer in headlights about to be hit by Jakuhō Raikōben. He finished shoving his snack into his mouth (why waste a perfectly good cracker?) and chewed, considering his options.

Option 1. Flee.

If he shunpo'd the hell out of his office right that second, he might make it halfway down the hall before the captain noticed.

Crunch, crunch, went the cracker.

Crunch, crunch, went his bones as he imagined what would happen after Sui-feng saw him running.

Option 2. Pretend to be busy. Very busy.

Omaeda brushed some crumbs off of a stack of untouched paperwork. Chances were good his captain would notice the ratio of finished to unfinished reports. Pretending to be busy, therefore, also a bad idea.

And that left Option 3. Go across the hall and face the angry, short, angry Chinese, angry-

"OMAEDA!"

The corpulent deer in the headlights of the oncoming Jakuhō Raikōben looked up. "H-hai, c-captain?" he stammered. Even though he was sitting and she was standing, even though he was taller than her when he was sitting and she was standing, he still had to look up.

It was a good thing Marenoshin Omaeda fired the physics tutor for being useless. Obviously the senile sage hadn't known jack about how the world actually worked. Maybe that was a thing among "scientists," because Mayuri was like that too…

[gratuitous flashback]

_Omaeda was in the middle of picking his nose when he heard his captain's dulcet tones,_

"_Omaeda!"_

_The startled fat man jumped, jamming his pinky farther up his nostril than he'd intended. Ouch. Out of habit, he started to cower behind his desk, but then he remembered a funny little thing: last time he saw Sui, she was limping out of Fourth covered in bandages and with only one arm. And now that he thought about it, she didn't even seem as loud and demanding and terrifying as she normally did._

_There was no need to be scared of her. No need at all. And that was why he was trying to hide behind a piece of furniture half his size. Steeling up his courage, the lieutenant peeked over the edge of his desk at his one-armed commander._

…

_Two armed commander._

_Omaeda blinked. Nope, the arm was still there. He wasn't seeing things. Omaeda blinked again and then stared at the new appendage. Where had that come from?_

"_Stop squinting, it makes you look even uglier," Sui barked._

_No, wait, she didn't bark. She just said it. Omaeda frowned. He didn't normally have dreams like this, but maybe today was an exception. A thought crossed his mind. He'd always wanted to go streaking past the captain-commander's office… Omaeda pinched himself. Not dreaming. Right. No streaking._

"_I'd like you to procure these items," Sui said. She held out a piece of paper to her lieutenant, who took it gingerly._

"_World… of… war-craft?" Omaeda read out loud. "Burning Crusade, Wrath of the… Lick King, and Cataclysm."_

_Suddenly Sui was in his face making hushing noises, looking from side to side and waving her hands around. "Don't say it so loud!"_

"_Captain, what do you want this trash for?" Omaeda asked._

_Sui backed away out of his face, but kept glancing around like the paranoid ninja she was. "Mayuri wouldn't regrow my arm unless I promised to…" Sui made a strangled noise. "With him."_

_Omaeda's face went pale. Even he wasn't so dense that he couldn't see the implications. "But, but, the other captains…"_

_In a loud whisper, Sui spelled it out, "They won't invite me to the Starcraft LAN parties anymore if they knew. They'll think I'm as bad as Mayuri." And then a spark of the normal Sui came back, "Don't. Tell. Anyone. About this."_

"_Yes sir!"_

[/flashback]

"Snap out of your ridiculous flashback." Sui-feng's steel gray eyes narrowed dangerously. "And get your feet out of my face."

"Yes sir!" Omaeda said as he pulled his feet off his desk. Glancing down, he winced at the dirt left behind on the mother-of-pearl inlay. As subtly as he could – that is to say, with no subtlety at all, he pulled a gold thread embroidered handkerchief out of his sleeve and wiped at the ugly black smear on his desk.

"Where is this month's transfer report?"

Omaeda looked up again. His captain was scowling. Or at least, if that expression had been on anyone else's face, he would have called it a scowl. On her face, he called it 'business as usual.' "Transfer report?" he parroted back.

Sui's eye twitched. "Yes. The transfer report for this month. Where is it?"

For a moment, Omaeda considered telling his captain she should head to the Fourth to get her eye looked at. Or her blood pressure checked. She didn't look like she would have health problems, but if he, the great Marechiyo Omaeda, could have dangerously high blood pressure, then it could happen to anyone.

And then he thought about it again and decided that it was a bad idea. His captain was fiercely independent, and she'd hate it if he tried to take care of her, even if he was right and she did have potentially fatal blood pressure problems.

Sui's eye twitched again. "Where is it?" she repeated.

"Ah, transfer report," he said. Omaeda reached for the stack of untouched reports he'd been thinking about hiding behind, and started to shuffle through them. He was sure to make as much paper shuffling noise as he could because, in his experience, if you made more noise, people assumed you were being more productive.

"For a member of the Onmitsukidou, the amount of noise you are making is disgraceful," Sui said.

Omaeda winced and started shuffling as quietly as he could. He felt a bead of sweat start to form on his forehead and begin to trickle down his cheek. "Ah, it's here... somewhere," he muttered. Another bead of sweat began making its way down his face. "Somewhere... here!" he crowed, triumphantly clutching a piece of paper.

Sui snatched the report out of Omaeda's chubby fingers and rounded on her heel to face the door. "Even Matsumoto would get more work done than you," she said as she walked out.

Omaeda gave a great sigh of relief when the shoji finally slid shut. Gingerly, he wiped the sweat from his brow with his gold handkerchief. He wouldn't want the gold to tarnish. Did gold tarnish? Maybe his father shouldn't have fired that tutor after all. But the man had said the strangest things like, "It is physically impossible for your sword to turn into a giant wrecking ball because there is something called the Law of Conservation of Mass."

Lost in thought, Omaeda reached into his sleeve for another rice cracker. Food always helped him think. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

"OMAEDA!"

CRUNCH. Tears sprung to Omaeda's eyes as he bit down on his tongue in surprise. He just couldn't win today...

The shoji slid back open violently to reveal a very angry Sui-feng, brandishing a piece of paper.

Omaeda resisted the urge to cower. She was angry even by her standards.

"Y-yes, captain?"

Sui-feng marched over to his mother-of-pearl inlay desk and slammed the transfer report down on it. Omaeda flinched. That was a really expensive desk. What if she cracked it?

"Why," Sui began, "is an arrancar transferring into my squad?"

"What?" Omaeda asked. He looked dumbly down at the piece of paper. He squinted at the name Sui was pointing at. "Ggio Vega? Who's that?"

"An arrancar. A dead arrancar," said Sui-Feng. "How does a dead arrancar end up in Seireitei anyway?"

Omaeda swallowed his half-chewed rice cracker. "Don't you know? All souls come to Soul Society when they die, including hollows. I thought everyone knew that," he said. "You just don't see them around much. Like the Americans."

"We have Americans in Soul Society?" Sui asked.

"Yes," said Omaeda. "Where did you think Tousen came from? Canada?"

"Oh," said Sui, too surprised by the course of the conversation to do much else.

Silence filled the room, interrupted only by Omaeda's loud chewing.

Sui-Feng shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, then turned around and left again.

Omaeda shook his head. His captain could be so clueless sometimes.

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><p>AN: Well. This is my first Bleach fanfic, and it's my first fic in quite some time (I mostly gave up after middle school, but college changes people apparently). I probably wouldn't have written this except for the awesome and her story Locus of Control. I reviewed it, and then we started talking about the Yoru/Sui pairing, and now I'm writing fanfic. Weird.

Notice how I worked both Locus of Control and the concept of reviewing into that? Someone give me a cookie.


	2. Arrancar Bargain Bin Sale

Note on Names and Honorifics: As you'll probably notice, I'm not using honorifics. I decided to do this because I do not have the time/energy/attention span to go check who calls who what and I'd rather leave things out than get them horribly wrong. I'll sometimes put in the honorific if it's something special (ex: Yoruichi-sama and Ken-chan) but I'll otherwise be omitting them. In the same vein, with a some exceptions (like Rukia and Byakuya), I'm refering to characters by their last names or whatever name they're most recognizable under (as in the case of Tia Harribel being always called Harribel, not Tia).

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><p>Chapter Two: Arrancar Bargain Bin Sale<p>

"Ul... Ulkee..." Kira squinted at the dispatch in his hand as he stood on a roof overlooking one of the many identical courtyards in Soul Society. "Ulkee..." In the bright light of the Seireitei sun, the glare off the sheet of paper was blinding and not even his emo fringe could spare him. Suddenly a great shadow fell across his document, and Kira tensed up like a startled cat in the middle of a fight or flight moment..

"Uhl-kee-or-ah See-fer," said Matsumoto as she peeked over Kira's shoulder. "Or maybe it's Sie-fer? You never know with these foreign names."

And now that he knew who had snuck up on him and was now leaning into his shoulder, Kira was tense for entirely different reasons. "Thank you Matsumoto," he said. He gulped loudly, then realized how loud it was, then hoped Matsumoto hadn't heard. "What are you doing here?"

Much to Kira's relief, Matsumoto moved around him so they could have a proper conversation (now if only she would pull up her kosode - it was a good thing he wasn't Hisagi and therefore wasn't getting distracted, nope, no distraction here, moving along now...).

"I'm here to get an arrancar too. Everyone's picking them up here, it's like a bargain bin sale! I wonder where they all came from?"

Kira raised an eyebrow. Bargain bin of arrancar? Unsure if he should look surprised or horrified, he defaulted to his contemplative frown face. "Who are you here for?"

Matsumoto looked at her orders, then hesitated and put a finger by her mouth in thought. "Nerrier Tu Odor."

"Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck," Rukia cut in, enunciating every syllable perfectly.

Both Kira and Matsumoto jumped a little, not having expected the diminutive shinigami to suddenly jump into their conversation.

"How did you do that?" Matsumoto asked.

"What, sneak up on you?" Rukia said. "With you looking at your orders and Kira looking at your-"

"No, no," Matsumoto said, "How did you know that was an R sound and not an L sound?"

"Well," began Rukia, as she pulled out a sketch pad and a crayon. "You see, in our native tongue, Japanese-

Before she could continue, Kira interrupted. "Kuchiki-san, when did you become a lieutenant?" He knew it was rude to point, but did it anyway, aiming his finger at the shiny badge on her left arm.

"It happened when no one was looking," said Rukia, somewhat offended they hadn't known about her promotion. It wasn't like everyone hadn't been predicting it for years, or like lieutenant promotions happened all the time, or like Kira and Matsumoto didn't read the reports on their desks... Well, it wasn't like Kira didn't read the reports on his desk. Changing the subject, she asked, "Do any of you know which one of these is Coyote Starrk?"

The group of lieutenants looked down into the courtyard at the former arrancar they were supposed to be retrieving. There were six of them total, and all but a few looked very uncomfortable to be standing around with nothing to do in an empty courtyard.

"Oh look," said Matsumoto, "the one with the teal hair is petting that black cat over there! Isn't it so cute? I hope that's Nerrier!"

"No," said Rukia, "That's Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez." She pointed at a toddler crawling around the courtyard putting various things into her mouth. "That one is Nelliel."

Matsumoto beamed. "Oh, it's even cuter! I'm such a lucky lieutenant! My captain will just be thrilled! We can put a playpen in his office and they can have tea parties together!"

Kira and Rukia exchanged a Look. Oh yeah, Hitsugaya would be _positively ecstatic_.

"So then who is taking Grimmjow?" Kira pondered out loud.

"Ken-chan is gonna have a new playmate!"

Well, that answered that question.

Kira, Matsumoto, and Rukia felt a strong breeze as Yachiru sped past them, jumping down into the courtyard and tackling Grimmjow. "Come play with Ken-chan!"

Grimmjow was knocked to the ground by the force of the flying pink glomp machine. The black cat yowled as he fell on its tail.

"Teeth Face is really sorry Boobies!" Yachiru said, perched on the poor ex-espada's back. "Tell her you're sorry!" she commanded Grimmjow.

All Grimmjow said was, "Boobies? Huh?" And then Yachiru had picked him up and carried him out of the courtyard. "Ken-chan, look what I found!"

The black cat, looking rather peeved about its smashed tail, leapt up to the roof and then vanished.

"Who are those others?" Kira asked, putting his self-defense candy back into his sleeve (one never knew when Yachiru would show up and it was better to be safe than sorry).

"Szayel Aporro Granz, Ulquiorra Cifer, Tia Harribel," Rukia responded, "And, uhm... I don't know who the last one is. He must not have been important."

Down in the courtyard, the gates swung open to allow Nemu and Nanao to enter.

Nemu walked straight up to Szayel and bowed. "Captain Kurotsuchi requests your presence," she said in a monotone. "He says that you are an interesting, if inferior, intellect and he would like your full cooperation in his experiments."

Szayel crossed his arms and snorted. "Inferior? I am by far the more ingenious, and I'll show him. Come, woman. For science! Now make me a sandwich."

"No."

As Nemu walked away with Szayel, the lieutenants on the roof shared a collective shudder.

"Tia Harribel?" Nanao called. When a tall blond woman walked over, Nanao looked her over. Light glinted dangerously off her glasses. "I hope you can put up with perverted old men," she said.

Harribel cracked her knuckles in response.

Nanao nodded.

"That is the start of a beauuutiful friendship," Matsumoto said. "Think Nanao will buy her a fan?"

"We should get our arrancar and then go back to work," Kira said.

Rukia nodded.

"Now I'll have two children," said Matsumoto.

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><p>When all the other arrancar had been picked up, Ggio Vega was left all by himself, tapping a foot impatiently. It was like that time his evil Hollow parents had been the last ones to get him from daycare, and it sucked.<p>

Hours passed.

Finally, a fat, ugly, man lumbered into the courtyard. "What are you supposed to be?" Ggio asked, "The hired help? The cook, maybe?"

Omaeda flushed. "What? I am the amazing Marechiyo Yoshiayamenosuke Nikkotaroemon Omaeda, lieutenant of the great 2nd Division, Corps Commander of the Onmitsukidou Patrol Corps!"

Ggio frowned. "Oh. You. I remember you, unfortunately. Why aren't you dead yet? Someone as incompetent as you should have been killed by now, and you're fat enough to have had five heart attacks."

"I'm not incompetent!" Omaeda said. "And I'm your superior officer, so shut up!"

"You're not fit to lick your blood off my boot when I pull it out of your ass, you lard tub."

"OMAEDA!"

The big boned lieutenant flinched. He'd recognize that voice anywhere. Slowly, very slowly, he turned around.

"You were supposed to be back three hours ago," Sui-feng said.

"See, even your captain thinks you suck," Ggio said.

Sui turned her fiery eyes of doom onto the mouthy arrancar. "You were also supposed to be back three hours ago. And between the two of you, I am late for a meeting."

Ggio shrugged. "If you've got other stuff to do, then fuck off and leave me alone, bitch."

"I'm so sorry," Omaeda blubbered. "It won't happen again."

Sui ignored her lieutenant. "You," she said to Ggio, "I don't have time to deal with you right now..." Suddenly a lightbulb lit up over her head. "Go to the 12th's compound. Tell Captain Kurotsuchi that you are a representative of 2nd sent for game night."

Ggio scowled. "Why should I?"

Sui's eyes narrowed. "Do you want me to kill you again? It would be one less incompetent for me to deal with."

Ggio felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead. When she put it that way, 'game night' really sounded pretty good. What was the worst it could be? World of Warcraft? "Huh. Fine. See you later, losers," he said as he walked out of the courtyard.

Omaeda stomped his foot and shouted after the retreating former-arrancar, "Yeah, well, you're a dirty, ugly, stupid, commoner who- UHCK" A hand in his windpipe brought his tirade to an abrupt end.

"And you," said Sui-feng, "Will escort him there and back."

All the color drained from Omaeda's face. "You want me to go to the 12th?"

"Am I speaking Japanese?"

"But, but, but," Omaeda stammered. For some reason he couldn't get the words, "But I want to live," to come out of his paralyzed mouth.

From up on a nearby rooftop, a black cat jumped down and landed gracefully on Sui-feng's shoulder. "You heard her," it said, "Shoo."

With a defeated sigh, Omaeda turned and lumbered away to find Ggio and then to march off to his certain doom in the bowels of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Yoruichi-sama," Sui said to the cat. "You should have gone without me."

"Running by myself isn't as fun as running with you." Yoruichi leaned over, stuck out her pink cat tongue, and licked Sui's ear. "Tag, you're it."

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><p>AN: Yeah, sorry I'm bad about updating in a timely fashion. But working nine and a half hours a day with an hour commute on either end really doesnt lend itself to writing fanfic. But as of yesterday afternoon I'm unemployed and headed back to the dorms in, like, five days. I'm not sure if that will make updates more or less sporadic. Time will tell.

I'd like to thank for Aurea Cupiditas [hopefully will not eat the pen name this time] beta-ing this chapter for me, and also for getting on my case about getting around to writing it in between rounds theorizing how power scales in Soul Society and me trying to come up with an equation to describe the rate of aging for shinigami.

I'd also like to thank everyone who reviewed. I encourage you to do so again (and I also encourage all ya'll who haven't reviewed yet to hit that shiny button over there and do so).


	3. Omaeda and Ggio Walk Into A Bar

Uhm. Yeah. Whoops. School happened. Happy holidays?

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><p>Chapter Three: Omaeda and Ggio Walk Into A Bar<p>

Sake.

Sake was amazing.

Sake was a gift from the gods. Or the Spirit King. Or the bartender. Or the guy down the bar...

Sake was also the only thing everyone in Seireitei could agree on – except Yachiru, who thought it tasted like yucky, despite the best efforts of the entirety of the eleventh.

And so it was that, after a long night of screaming for mercy, Marechiyo Omaeda and Ggio Vega went stumbling into Kyoraku's, the largest bar in Seireitei, located at the foot of the Sokyoku (that is, as close as one could come to the center of Seireitei without volunteering for a beheading). Established shortly after the founding of the city, the bar had earned its bartender and namesake a place among the lesser nobility for "service rendered for the good of society." The Kyoraku family had been serving the good 24/7 ever since.

"Most people stumble out of bars, not into them," Yumichika remarked while he supported a blacked out Ikkaku and simultaneously held the door for Omaeda and Ggio. Or, at least, he tried to hold the door for them. There wasn't enough room for him to hold the door and hold Ikkaku and for Omaeda's robustness to still fit through, so Yumichika gave up and stepped aside.

Still standing out in the chilly night, Ggio snarled. "Most women wear less makeup when they go out. I guess they just have less ugly to cover up." His golden eyes narrowed. After... experiencing... Mayuri's depravity, he was in a foul mood and whoever this pompous feathered idiot was would suffer for existing.

Yumichika sniffed. "Funny you don't know what ugly is, since you see it every time you look in a mirror." He shifted how he was carrying Ikkaku so he could look as stunning as possible.

Observing, Omaeda winced. Oh snap.

Lacking a comeback, Ggio resorted to the staple of any verbal battle: name-calling. "Poof!"

Yumichika dropped Ikkaku on the ground and reached for his sword and drew... thin air. Ruri'iro Kujaku was at home, probably sulking (what else did he ever do? He did it almost as much as Wabisuke). At Captain Unohana's insistence, zanpakutou were banned from every bar in Seireitei.

Seeing Yumichika's mistake, Ggio grinned. "What's wrong, you-" Ggio shut up abruptly as Captain Kyoraku draped himself over the short arrancar. "Ah! Get your hands off me!"

Kyoraku did not oblige. "Ahhh, you're so small and skinny, just like my Nanao-chan. You should eat more."

Finally, Ggio succeeded in worming his way out of Kyoraku's embrace. Brushing himself off, he said, "I'm five foot four and a hundred six pounds, I'm perfectly healthy!"

And to that, no one had a response for a good five seconds. And then they all started laughing.

Ggio glared. He turned on Omaeda first. "You're so fat you can't see your toes. And so's your mom!"

Omaeda drew himself up and tried to look as imposing as possible. "Of course! It's a sign of great wealth, prosperity, and beauty! My mother is fatter than I am!"

Ggio rolled his eyes. "It's not a sign of beauty, it's a sign you're both fat, ugly, lazy bums."

Omaeda balled up his fists. Suddenly the honor of his family was on the line. "How dare you insult my mother!"

Kyoraku sighed. "Ehhh, boys and girls, calm down, calm down."

"We're all boys here," Ggio pointed out. At least, he thought so. He wasn't entirely sure about Feathers.

Unfazed, Kyoraku continued, "It would be tragic to be thrown out before you've even started drinking."

Yumichika shrugged and picked Ikkaku up off the ground. "I'm leaving. I would hate to be here for when stupid and ugly gets stupider and uglier." With that, he began the long, arduous, task of dragging Ikkaku back to the eleventh division barracks.

Omaeda started to lumber farther into the crowded bar. "What he said."

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Ggio demanded. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going upstairs. Where important people go," Omaeda said.

"Yeah, well, I'm going there too," said Ggio. There wars no way Omaeda was just ditching him to drink with 'important' people.

"No you're not," said Omaeda. "It's the officer's bar. It's only for officers. Seated officers above sixth seat. People who matter. People you hear about. You're not an officer."

Ggio crossed his arms over his chest. "Would I be an officer if I smashed your face in? Because I could do that right here, it'd take two seconds."

"That won't happen-" Omaeda began.

Kyoraku interrupted. "No, it won't, because Ggio is coming upstairs with me." Saying this, he draped an arm around Ggio's shoulders.

"Get. Off. Me," Ggio muttered. Before he could wiggle away though, Kyoraku was pushing him upstairs. Rather put-off, Omaeda followed.

The officer's bar was not so much a bar as it was a lounge. Tastefully decorated, it had several low tables around the room, as well as an actual bar surrounded by high stools.

"Jushiro, look what I found," Kyoraku called.

Captain Ukitake looked up from his coffee and newspaper. "Ah, an arrancar!" He tilted his head to one side thoughtfully. Seemingly magically, he produced a handful of candy, which he held out to Ggio. "You're so scrawny... I was going to give these to Toshiro-chan, but I think you need them more."

Ggio finally succeeded in shoving himself away from Kyoraku's clutches. "I told you not to touch me you dirty old man!" Then he rounded on Ukitake. "And I don't want your damn candy. You're an old man giving out candy. Do you know how creepy that is?"

Kyoraku's lower lip wobbled. He was dirty? Oh, if only dear, sweet, Nanao-chan would stop refusing to give him a sponge bath...

Ukitake blinked in surprise. The young former arrancar had called him creepy? Kids these days. Well, he thought, at least he wasn't old like the Captain Commander – why, just last week Yamamoto had had to chase some young hooligans out of his garden with Ryujin Jakka (the garden, sadly, had not survived the incident).

Bored of Ggio's eternally terrible bad attitude, Omaeda looked around while picking his nose. Matsumoto, Kira, and Hisagi were all sharing a bottle of sake at one of the tables. While it appeared as though the three had been having some kind of conversation prior to Ggio's entrance, they were now all staring at the commotion. The same was also true for Kiyone and Sentaro, and Yoruichi and-

Suddenly Sui-feng was looming over Omaeda. "Omaeda," she said, "What is the arrancar doing here?"

"I tried to stop him," Omaeda said. "I said this was for officers only, but Captain Kyoraku..."

"You haven't made your former arrancar recruit an officer?" Ukitake asked conversationally. "I made Starkk my fourth seat."

Omaeda paled a little. Arrancar as seated officers. For some reason, one he couldn't quite put his pudgy finger on, he didn't like that idea. "W-what about your old fourth seat?"

Ukitake rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't even know the name of my old fourth seat. So either he or she didn't exist, or he or she wasn't important."

While a wiser man would have known to just leave well enough alone, Ggio couldn't stop himself from chiming in, "Or you're an old, sick, geezer and forgot."

"Ggio Vega." Metaphorical venom dripped from Sui-feng's words. "As long as you are a part of the Gotei Thirteen, you will respect your superiors."

Ggio glared. "This is all the respect I do. Got a problem?"

It never ceased to amaze Omaeda how Sui-feng had the atmospheric power of creating indoor storm clouds whenever she was particularly furious. Sometimes he thought he could even see lightning flashing down from the sudden storm fronts.

"Oi, Sui!" Yoruichi called from the other side of the bar.

Omaeda watched in awe as the clouds dispersed as quickly as they'd come. And was that a blush on his captain's face? Huh. He didn't realize she drank...

Sui-feng turned around so fast her twin braids trailed through the air behind her. "Yes Yoruichi-sama?"

Yoruichi was leaning over with her elbow on the table so she could prop her head up with her hand. "Deal with this later, we were enjoying ourselves."

Kyoraku sighed. "Don't worry Sui-feng, I brought him up here, I'll keep an eye on him." He ended his statement with a wink. Ggio shuddered.

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama!" Sui gave Ggio a parting glare. "You will clean every floor in the offices of the second division tomorrow."

"Hah!" Omaeda exclaimed.

"And you will help him," Sui finished. That said, she returned to Yoruichi.

Ggio looked at Omaeda. "Is she always a bitch?"

Omaeda just groaned.

* * *

><p>When Sui-feng walked into the barracks the next morning, she almost slipped on the floor.<p>

Standing at the other end of the hallway with his hands on his hips, Ggio snickered.

Sui looked from the floor to Ggio, then back to the floor, then back to Ggio. Her first thought was that she had slipped because the former arrancar had left a puddle of water or some other substance out for unsuspecting passerby. But no, there was nothing on the floor. Nothing at all. She had slipped because the floor, worn smooth by hundreds of feet tramping over it day after day, was clean. The normal layer of grime that gave the wood traction was gone.

"You cleaned the floor," Sui said.

"Way to state the obvious," replied Ggio.

Sui's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Omaeda!" she called. Seconds passed, then half a minute, but there were no lumbering footsteps heralding her lieutenant. Turning her focus back to Ggio, she said, "You cleaned the floor by yourself. Omaeda isn't even here yet."

The smirk on Ggio's face went almost ear to ear. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Hm," said Sui. Slowly, she resumed the walk to her office. "Omaeda's office is across the hall from mine. If you do paperwork as efficiently as you clean floors, you can have his job. When he gets here, have him explain procedures."

Ggio lost his smirk. "What? Are you making me lieutenant? Or are you just telling me to do his work for him?"

Before she slid the shoji door of her office shut, Sui-feng replied, "I don't promote people to give them work, I promote people who do work."

* * *

><p>AN: Does anyone else want to reach through their monitor and strangle Ggio? I might have to completely recharacterize him or something, because my tolerance for his attitude is rapidly approaching negative zero. *sweatdrop*

Uhm. So yeah. School happened. Oh boy did school happen. I've had, like, no time between classes and practice (four days a week, three hours a day, plus two days a week of three hour club, plus two days a week of one hour weights, plus travel on weekends...). But then I was just sitting here suffering through a headache from finally getting contacts (yay!) and being bored of Civ IV, and I was like, "Hm, I feel like I was writing a fic or something before school happened." So I sat down at midnight and just randomly typed all this up. Hopefully it doesn't read too much like it was written at midnight during a contacts induced headache.  
>And, unfortunately, I didn't really have the patience to just wait for the day to start and find a beta reader. Because I sort of felt like if I did that, then I would *never* get around to posting this (because, yeah, I've been fanfiction free for, like, the entire semester). I might edit this later if I ever figure out how to make the phrase "stupid and ugly gets stupider and uglier" more ambiguous as to whether the "stupid and ugly" is a singular or plural. It really all hinges on the verb, and I just couldn't think of an English verb that wouldn't give away the singularplural aspect and leave it ambiguous... *sigh*

Anyway, as always, the dear Aurea Cupiditas is in my thoughts whenever I do anything Bleach-related. Also as always, reviews are nice.


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